A Parents worst fear

[BENT_8]

To lose a child at the hands of another.

As a father of teenage children, one of my greatest fears as they approach driving age, is the thought of losing one of them to a vehicle acccident at the hands of an inexperienced driver.
I've mentioned it on a number of occasions in threads revolving around inexperienced drivers etc.

Well im sorry to say that as a Father i let my gaurd down and almost paid the ultimate price Saturday night.

My second eldest is a month away from her 15th birthday, for 10 months she has been working in a local fast food outlet where she became friends with a girl a few years older than her.
At first the thought of my 14yr old mixing with a 17yr old with a licence and car had my senses raised.
25yrs ago i lost my 15yr old sister in a car accident at the hands of a reckless driver.

It started off with an innocent ride home after work, which is when we first met her. She seemed like a really grounded young lady, polite, respectful, well presented and hard working.
She is going through a hard time at home and we felt really sorry for her.

Not long after my daughter asked if she could go with her to watch her play netball. I asked all the right questions, where are you playing, what time do you finish, when will you be home and most importantly, be careful.
Then one night when she dropped my daughter off i hung around outside doing a few jobs before turning in. She drove off from our street in a manner which i considered inappropriate. I listened as she turned a few corners and took off down the main road.
The next day i mentioned it to my Son whom im currently teaching to drive. He told me that she is an idiot behind the wheel and he wont ride with her again. I raised the issue around the kitchen table that night and got the typical teenage response..'But Daddy...'
I should have put an end to it then but against everything i have ever said on the matter and an overwhelming gut feeling, i caved in.

On Saturday a group of mates and i took a trip up the Riverland for a game of Bowls.
Everything was going fine until i recieved a call from my Wife telling me my greatest fear in life had come within feet of being a reality.
The story goes that my Daughter, a friend and the driver had asked my wife if they could go to the drivers house for a few hours, its only a 5 minute drive through some back streets. My Wife said ok.
At some stage between here and there, the driver decided she wanted to go for a drive through the hills to 'clear her mind'.
Apparently a teenage girl on her 'P's considers 140k/hr on winding, undulating, unlit, country road as the ideal conditions.
Not something i've ever considered but i am talking about the current generation of self believers here.
Despite my Daughter and her friends hysterical pleas to stop and let them out she continued on, only then mentioning that she had been drinking before picking them up, she turned 18 last Wednesday.

So they make the first few bends, are forced to slow to 80k at a sharp bend before accelerating again. In the blink of an eye she touched the gravel shoulder, overcorrected and sent the car sideways towards the only solid tree within 300mtrs.
By the grace of God i sit here typing this rather than arranging my Daughters funeral.
The car, a early 2000 era Astra plowed head first in to a large gum tree and burst in to flames. Fortunately the passenger cell remained intact and the doors could be opened.
The Driver jumped from the wreck and sat in the middle of the road screaming, leaving my injured Daughter and back seat passenger in the car fillling with black smoke.
My Daughter got out and dragged her friend who was unable to breath properly from the burning car. My Daughter screamed at the driver to ring emergency services, the driver told her to do it.
So at 8pm on a Saturday night my 14 yr ld Daughter places a call to 000 to report the accident, she had no idea where she was though.
It is at that moment that an angel appeared in the form of a large bloke with big bushy beard from his driveway. He had heard the bang, the following hysterical screaming and saw the glow of the burning wreck.
Emergency services were already in response by the time my Daughter made her call
I shudder to think what was going through his mind as he rushed towards the scene, and the relief when he saw everyone out of the car despite their injuries.
The firies came and extinguished the car and tree, the Amobo's checked them all out and they went to hospital for xrays etc.

When i got the call to say what had happened i was gutted, i failed as Parent to protect my Daughter from becoming a victim of someone elses doing and we almost paid the ultimate price.

I took a drive up there in the light of day to see where it all happened and as i stood there looking at the slide marks, the broken glass and the charred tree trunk i couldnt help but feel an overwhelming sense of shame, sadness, anger and ultimately relief that my Daughter had survived a scenario which often ends in tragedy. A foot either way and im not so sure.

Not that long ago we were discussing the removal of tree's from the side of country roads in the Adelaide hills and here i was standing before an old gum tree on the side of a country road in the Adelaide hills.
I cant blame the tree though., its been there for years.
But as i looked down at the remnants of the car a small piece of square plastic flipped over in the breeze, her 'P' plate...

Theres a big fella with a bushy beard who will be recieving a cold slab of SA's best in the next few days. I hope he enjoys every drop.

[superyob]

I fear everyday for my childrens' safety. Very happy that you are not going to a funeral...

[DBourne]

Don't say that you failed mate, cos that's just not true.

You can't blame yourself if someone decided to do the wrong thing, ignore others plea's to stop, and let their ambition over take their ability.

Glad to hear your daughter is ok though.

[snopony]

she's got someone looking over her. Thank god they are ok. My son is a few years off this age yet. same feeling.

[TheSneakiness]

Mate you didn't fail at being a parent, you can only guide them to make the right choice so much.

The failure is on the parents or the other girl, and the girl herself. To knowingly put so much risk on the lives of other passengers and simply not care is highly alarming and disturbing.

Don't go into the dark place and take that rage out on her as satisfying as it may feel against her cause you may do harm to your own sense of well being. Let the authorities do the damage by criminal conviction and ruining the rest of her life.

The only other thing is tell your daughter to stay away as she has now experienced first hand what some people are like, might be nice to your face but couldn't care less about you.

[tut0r]

Amazing read mate and really nice of you to share with all of us. I am not a parent and still somewhat young(27) so I cannot grasp fully the thought that goes through a parents mind when they get that very frightening call.

But one thing I'll say for sure is you can't beat yourself up for what others do, unfortunately that age bracket is when the stupid things are done and teens do rebel and make mistakes, sometimes serious ones that will affect families and friends for years to come.

Right now though, she is alive, well and I am sure if anything will think twice about who she gets in a car with in the future.

[PepeLePew]

You are a good father Bent. Teared me up reading that having a houseful of girls.

[sr71]

Lucky Outcome, for sure. What a story. (& what a b_tch-driver)
Must have been an intense experience for you. Especially, because you've (unfortunately) lived with the awareness that it happens. I wouldn't say that you failed, at all. You were just Reminded! And I bet it won't happen again.
I was only thinking about the friends/licence scenario,this morning. When I was 16, I was a back passenger in an Escort RS.. ,that lost control. Driver was showing off.
I've always thought that a 2 seat vehicle ( even if it means permanently fixing the 2nd row down in a hatch etc ), reduces the showing off and distraction. But because there are so many SUV's now, they need to be driving one too. For safer vision, and to match (or better) the mass of most vehicles on the road, in case of accident.
I've even thought of buying an old Limo, to be used when the drinking/partying stage happens. Driven by me, or select a sensible friend.
I've seen the impact on a family, after losing their boy. It makes you think differently. Too bad if it's thought of as being over-protective.

[poppa smurf]

a split second of stupidity or inattention is all it takes, my spare time is taken up "picking up the pieces" from young people who think hooning, burnouts, speeding and general tom foolery is fine and safe on public roads.

I've seen hundreds of instances where it is not fine and I've attended to households who have lost a youngster because of this.

one thing I'll say to you mate is ALWAYS go with your gut instincts, better to have the little one alive and hating you for a few days rather than reading a coroners report or to get "that" knock on the door.

if you have doubts......go with them and listen to the others when they say that driver is not to be trusted.

[Charliewool]

I think you should be rightly proud of your daughter and the way she conducted herself in what must of been a horrifying situation!
Please don't be hard on yourself OR your daughter... She did great!
(This lesson in life will stay with her forever)

[BadMax]

Mate there is no way known you have failed as a parent.

[BENT_8]

Thanks for the supportive words guys.

[Ross 1]

My heart was in my throat reading your post I have 2 teenage daughters and I'm now making them read this. You worry every day that you have done the best you can to raise them right. Unfortunately you cannot account for how all the muppets in the world raise their offspring. When teaching my eldest to drive I constantly make her be aware of the other road users, because a high percentage are in their own little world with no consideration for others.
Give your daughter a hug and let her know you are proud of how she handled the situation.

[lilmattie]

I'm glad that your daughter is ok.

It's all pretty much been said, but certainly you haven't got anything to blame yourself about. At some point, everyone makes their own decisions - all you can do is do your best to guide them - even if they hate it (as above). I don't have any kids so I can't tell you I know what you're feeling but I have experienced sudden and horrific loss.

The fault lies solely on your daughters 'friend' and her reckless decisions. Doubly so for driving after she had been drinking and complete disregard of safety, not only for her passengers which are supposed to be her responsibility but also for other people that might also have been driving down that road.

Good on the old bloke with the beard! Again, I'm glad she's ok. Chin up - she's still here with you!

[Tonz]

I also thank god they are all alive.

Your daughter has just had the best education that anybody can teach her, nothing is safe, life can be gone in the blink of an eye. She has come out of it safe, although please watch her VERY closely without being over-protective over the next few days. This accident will have effects on her young life and I'd imagine mood swings over the next few ???

[BradEL]

Dont beat yourself up about the situation, you truely sound like your a great father and do the very best for you children. I was so glad to see that your daughter was ok after that horrible experience, and Im sure that your whole family, and the many others you have told about this will either think twice about who their kids go with in the car.
I can relate to this from a young persons perspective. From when I first got my learners at 15, I was always told by my parents to never go in the car with someone who is a dangerous or reckless driver. Same thing when I got my restricted license and my first car when I was 16. Now I am almost 19 and have had my full license for over a year, and I can proudly say that when I was younger (and before I had my full license) that I never broke the conditions of my license, and too this day have never been pulled over by a cop or gotten a ticket, despite working in the automotive industry doing lots of driving and having had a couple of V8s by now.
There is a time and place for going fast, and it is not on the public roads, and parents need to remind young people this, and encourage them to do their drag racing and burnouts at the drag strip and not on public roads.
Anyway, as a young car guy, I thank you for posting this experience you have had, it has served as a good reminder to me, that even if I drive very carefully and sensibly myself, to think twice before hopping in the passengers seat of the car when there is a young and potentially inexperienced driver behind the wheel.

[tex]

hope you consider sending that original post, to every single school as an open letter for the consideration of every student.

Powerfully written, captivating in a heart in mouth kind of way, with a happy outcome.

so very relieved everyone survived and your daughter has the opportunity to reflect on all the citcumstances that culminated in the MVA.

You are a good man who takes his respinsibilities very, very seriously.

Regards

Tex

[devilcv8]

Reading this brought back memories. August 10 2014 federal highway north of Canberra. Son was involved in a fatal crash. Other driver at fault, and one of her passengers was killed. but a very nerve wracking time until I saw my son with my own eyes.

I hope your daughter doesn't carry any bad thoughts from the crash. Tell her no amount of what if questions changes what happened. Just learn from it.

[Charliewool]

Originally Posted by tex

hope you consider sending that original post, to every single school as an open letter for the consideration of every student.

Powerfully written, captivating in a heart in mouth kind of way, with a happy outcome.

so very relieved everyone survived and your daughter has the opportunity to reflect on all the citcumstances that culminated in the MVA.

You are a good man who takes his respinsibilities very, very seriously.

Regards

Tex

Brilliant idea!....
Compulsory reading for all secondary students. (And parents!!)

[SB076]

You definitely haven't failed as a parent as you obviously love and cherish your kids. I want to protect my kids 100% of the time but I know as part of the journey I need to give them some freedom and they will make some great decisions and some not so great decisions (hopefully not too many). Our parents no doubt gave us the same opportunities it tough being a parent. Glad your daughter is ok and I am sure you are a great parent

[Ruination]

You certainly haven't done anything wrong as a parent from what I can see.

The one thing I would like to say, as a passenger in a pretty horrific crash a few years back is you honestly can't have 100% trust in anyone behind the wheel. But its a risk you sometimes have to take.

The driver of the crash I was involved in was my cousin. Someone you could supposedly trust..

Who can you rely on to give you complete safe passage? Its impossible to think about what goes on in anyone's heads, especially when they come across genuine and responsible.

[Jeddak]

Originally Posted by Charliewool

I think you should be rightly proud of your daughter and the way she conducted herself in what must of been a horrifying situation!
Please don't be hard on yourself OR your daughter... She did great!
(This lesson in life will stay with her forever)

all of these comments so far are showing how much we parents care about our kids .....remember when we were there as youngies ?
so long ago for some of us, not so for others but the dread of the "knock on the door" and a distressed police officer standing there is the same all around the world

for all of us the above quote is, so far, tops in that if we have done ALL we could have done,. then try to not blame ourselves or in the cases such as this one to get on the case of our young ones
yes Dad you should be very proud of your young daughter for her conduct in this crash ..SHE was (and is ) the adult here in this incident

[BENT_8]

Cheers guys.

I've thought about it a lot today and, although i know even as a parent i cant be making decisions for my kids in every situation, whats tearing at me is that i had seen the signs, i knew no good would come of it and we let her go anyway.
My poor wife is a mess, she blames herself because she let them go, but in reflection, it was only a matter of time.

I cant find the word to describe how i feel about the driver. I know what she has been going through at home and i genuinely feel sorry for her situation. The last thing she needs is an angry Dad making her feel worse than she already does, i understand how fragile some of our youngsters can be and i dont want her doing anything silly, two wrongs dont make a right.

I always say the key to life is learning from your mistakes, everyone makes them, some get to tell the tale, others are less fortunate.
I like what tex said about sending a copy of it to every school as i genuinely believe the answer to the problem of better driver education is something that needs to be drummed in to developing minds from an early age and should be held in as high regard as the ABC and times tables.

I am currently teaching my 16yr old to drive and despite a few initial teething problems (Dad more nervous than Son, lol) he is going well.
A good mate of mine is a retired Driving School Instructor and i have been discussing methods of teaching my Son that he would use on his students.
I asked him what the worst part of his job was, he said signing off on a licence for someone who passed the test but in reality wasnt fit to drive.
All the skills with none of the ettiquette, But if they pass the set requirements then they get the licence.

I've often considered becoming a Driving Instructor as an occupation, driving is a passion, its sort of outside, but apart from that i'd love to have an influence on how our kids view the importance of sensible driving.

Are there any Driving Instructors amongst us?

[SB076]

My kids are young and my wife has already told me that I am responsible for teaching my kids how to drive. First thing I will do is take my kids go karting, then to my parents farm, then finally around an industrial estate on a Sunday. After that get them into a drivers course. Not sure how it will go, so far as a parent I have learnt you need to be prepared to change plans etc

[ford71V8]

Nice idea about Bent8's post being used in schools.

Another person that should read it is the female driver that did all the wrong things, and nearly stuffed up the lives of her and her friends.

You will never be able to 100% protect them.
It is not possible for you to be there for them 100% of the time.
We've experienced the tragic loss at the hands of another but not driving related and too often I sit with tears worrying about whats going to happen to the rest of our clan (5 kids.... youngest is 9, one not yet licensed, and one thats already had his lesson on the road thankfully without injury).
Its horrible and for no proper reason the worst thoughts enter my head.
But you still have to let them grow, have to let them make mistakes and give them their own space to learn.

No doubt your daughter will take something from this night. Wont be too long before she is in the drivers position, and needing to make her own decisions. Whats happened here will stay with her a long time, I imagine she will take the lesson from it.

The person at fault here is not your wife, not your daughter, and definitely not you.

Of everything you wrote in the opening post, the unhelpful reaction of the driver stands out and angers me.

[snopony]

My dad taught me to drive...he was really jumpy and everything had to be done in sequence, don't use the brakes to hard, don't take off too quick.. I used to laugh every time we would come home from driving as I used to like to scare him and take off and make squealie wheels... However, it wasn't until I had scared the living be-jesus out of myself that it hit home that cars are unpredictable, so are human reaction times..and there is a fine line between a tonne and a half of metal doing what you want it to and the brain thinking what that tonne and a half will do.... fortunately I was 18 when this happened. I have driven safely since.... BUT some people seem to go thru half their life (even more perhaps) before it hits home. And some don't survive it. so what do you do? prob education... driver safety courses...maybe even a simulator of being in a rolled car or crash like the racing car ones. don't know. All I know is for me it was being scared ****less that stuck with me forever.

[BENT_8]

Something i've noticed in the time my son has completed on road is how his whole driving manner changes when he gets positive feedback.
Its as though a switch is flicked and everything that he did to get the positive encouragement goes out the window.

To get him used to controlling the car i took him to a semi rural setting and set out a course around a few roads that introduced turns, t junctions, cross roads, unsealed surfaces and varying speed zones.
I found that he had great straight line control, no weaving across the lane and kept his speed constant without needing to watch the speedo too often.
Where he struggled was getting the wheel turned enough to make an efficient turn and then getting the wheel back to centre fast enough to keep within the lanes.
We practiced it a heap and i gave him some tips and before long he was getting the swing of it.
Then he got it almost perfect and i said as much.

I dont know what went through his mind in the next minute or so before we got to the next turn, but as we approached it i waited for the usual 'Mirrors, Indicate, Blindspot' but it didnt come.
He just continued ahead, braked late, put the wrong indicator on and finished up stopped mid intersection looking all flustered, luckily it was a back road with no traffic.
I told him to move off to the side of the road so he could recompose himself.
I then asked him what went wrong, he said he wasnt sure.
I asked him where he thought he made his first mistake, he said when he left it too late to go through his sequences and became flustered.
I said, nope, further back than that.
He asked when.
I said about 2 seconds after i said you got the previous turn near perfect because thats when your confidence outgrew your abilities.

I think the penny dropped, he hasnt really put a foot wrong since, but when he does look like he's getting ahead of himself i just remind him where he's at.

[olfella]

Originally Posted by SB076

My kids are young and my wife has already told me that I am responsible for teaching my kids how to drive. First thing I will do is take my kids go karting, then to my parents farm, then finally around an industrial estate on a Sunday. After that get them into a drivers course. Not sure how it will go, so far as a parent I have learnt you need to be prepared to change plans etc

When I was teaching my kids the hardest thing to teach them was anticipation. Like increasing speed to a green light, or passing someone who may open their door into you. Anyway they got their licence's so I wait a month or two of them going solo then sent them off to an advanced drivers course so they could learn a bit more like controlling skids and proper stopping distances, etc

[JC]

BENT_8 (and others) - glad you still have a healthy daughter.

One of the most important thing to teach your kids who are about to embark on travels with young licensed drivers, is how to pull on the handbrake hard, and how to slam the gears into P (in an auto), or out of gear (in a manual), and WHEN to do it. Mostly the threat of doing so is enough to stop the driver, but if not, then actually doing at the right time can save their life.

[poppa smurf]

here.....http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2475802/ is a US publication that may explain a little of what goes on in an immature brain......those with "lower" brain functions also show these tendencies.

basically they think differently than us and don't rationalise immediately, it's not developed as yet.

as parents we can show the correct pathway but it is up to the individual what they do with that information in any given circumstance.

peer pressure is a monstrous driver.

I lost a brother when he was 19, he drove that road 4 times a week, still didn't give the "S" bend enough respect.

I lost a niece when she was 18, hurrying home because she didn't want her dad to be angry for staying out late, ran into a tree (my reason for joining the system I'm in now).

3 rules when your kids are growing up.

(1) it's not your fault, you do all you can to place them on the correct pathway then set them free and pray to the almighty they come home in one piece.

(2)never play the "what if"..."what could I have done differently"..."it's all my fault" game.......what will be, will be.

(3) don't expect them to "do the right thing" at all times.....they are going to do stupid things, the same as we did, our parents before us and their kids will do in the future, it's natural......give them all the information, show them the right path and thats all you can do.

I've read and re-read your OP and have managed to get almost all the way through without tears and memories flooding back from many moments in life.

we tend to get "wrapped" in our little world and think only of the immediate impact on those dealing at the time, we don't always comprehend the raw emotions of others until it strikes "one of us"!

anyway, welling up again as another recent memory comes flooding in, so I'll cease my drivel and end by saying don't beat yourself up over it, thank whoever is watching over you and yours and go to bed tonight knowing your family is safe for one more day.

give the kids a hug from dopey ole Poppa and a couple from yourself.

the world is a dangerous place.....until we have the means to step around the pitfalls we need guidance, be there for your family at all times and thats all you can do.

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG