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The Bar For non Automotive Related Chat |
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#1 | ||
PM me if you want
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Pk Ranger Modding - QLD 👍
Posts: 7,498
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DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeouw s--t...." ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The tool most often used by all women. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for, over the last 45 minutes. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use. RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic senseless. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands. DAMNIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMNIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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Owner of first ever car to retrofit BA SSS - the EA2BA Send me a PM if you want to know anything 2010 Ford Ranger PK High Rider (Auto) - 2011 Ford Fiesta (Auto)
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#2 | ||
Tuned @ Pitlane Frankston
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: S.E Suburbs, Melbourne
Posts: 1,879
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hehe.
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BA MKII XR6 Turbo, 6sp Manual - Vibe purple, Premium sound, Sports leather, BA XR8 wheels, Koni adjustable suspension, Nizpro v/springs, Walbro in-tank pump, Siemens 60lb injectors, Process West stage 1 intercooler, Mal Wood 11" Option 3 clutch, Tripod gauges, Custom Mainlube T56 gearbox oil, ETM turbo oil feed line, Typhoon intake, BMC Panel filter, Turbosmart BOV, Tuned by Pit Lane Performance - 300.4rwkw @ 12psi
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#3 | ||
Regular Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Perth
Posts: 481
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Why do most of them sound so familiar to me? Very funny.
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#4 | ||
GRRRR.....
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 1,158
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nice work
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Now - 2007Renault Megane sedan, Steel Gray, 19" Koya Ambush with 235/35R19 Yokohama ADVAN V103, Eibach Pro-Kit. Gone but not forgotton - Diamond White 2004 LX Fiesta If you sneeze with your eyes open, do your eyes pop out??
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#5 | ||
Silhouette XR6 Ute
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 62
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Great I have tears of laughter rolling down my face after reading this.
Well done. Cheers Jeremy
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Silhouette BF Mk11 XR6 Ute 18" Ford wheels Hard Tonneau with spoiler and power bulge XR sports leather trim and seats with red stiching Ford sports steering Wheel Pictures located at http://www.bseries.com.au/jeremy
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#6 | ||
It's Millertime!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Sydney
Posts: 334
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![]() ![]() ![]() Fantastic
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95 EF Falcon Futura. |
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#7 | ||
Festoon This!!!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 410
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hahahahahaha that was a good read
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#8 | ||
Banned
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Keilor, Vic
Posts: 1,498
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Jason you have way to much time on your hands! but very funny.
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#9 | ||
Regular Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 94
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45 DEGREE MITRE BOX: A device to which you clamp timber when you wish to cut it at an angle of 44 or 46 degrees.
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#10 | |||
They were already there..
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 312
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Quote:
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White ED Futura Auto - DEAD >>LINK<< |
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#11 | ||
under new management
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Perth
Posts: 1,325
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Absolute Gold !!! Laughed my self silly now I have to let other people in the office read it.
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XW tarmac rally car, 3/4 race cam, NGK spark plugs |
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#12 | ||
doof doof doof doof
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: SE Melbourne
Posts: 611
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well I thought they were real descriptions!
well done! |
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#13 | ||
Official AFF conservative
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Adelaide, SA
Posts: 3,549
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Very old but oh so very good. Always warrants another read
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A cup half empty... but full of euphoria. |
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#14 | ||
Got Ghia?
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Perth
Posts: 999
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^^
agree, read it a year or so ago, although this one has a few additions. Always a great read though, havnt had a good laugh in a while. |
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#15 | ||
Parts bin special
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Narre Warren, Vic
Posts: 8,275
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LOL. That is great Jason! So I take it you were a bit bored at work today!
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Weekender 1964 US Falcon Futura convertible - Rangoon Red 260 Windsor V8, 4 speed manual, LHD, Electronic ignition, Mustang wheels https://fordforums.com.au/showthread.php?t=11470868 Daily 2014 SZII Territory diesel - basic runabout Previous Cars 1990 EAII Fairmont Ghia - Tickford engine, 5 speed, SVO wheels, bodykit, much more 2000 AUII Fairmont - XR wheels, Ghia interior 2010 FG XR50T ute - XR8 bonnet, Streetfighter intake |
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#16 | ||
Irregular Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Brisvegas
Posts: 333
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TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
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#17 | ||
FF.Com.Au Hardcore
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,463
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EA2BA has been watchin AUXRVIII at work and taking notes.
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#18 | |||
FF.Com.Au Hardcore
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 1,463
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Quote:
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#19 | ||
windsor user
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Geelong
Posts: 13,123
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63deluxe....ooh.......pain
![]() thats an oldie but a goodie, laughed at most of them because they're so very true! |
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#20 | ||
FF.Com.Au Hardcore
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 1,652
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I have seen them all in 10 years as a metal work teacher
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